I have not posted much in the last year.I won't bore you with excuse Really it was i just stop trying. Things went really bad for me in February. And keep falling apart. I went to get help and am making progress. I want to start losing weight again and maybe that will also help in the healing process. I decided I need to start writing here again. When I write i do feel better and I don't let it over power me if i just let it sit there. I have not gained everything back from my original weight but am not at my first goal anymore. So back to goal one.
Some back history
So why did i stop trying. Lets go back to September when it started. I had a talk with my boss about my job. He asked if i thought i would go back to school and get my degree in accounting. then he told me Karleen was thinking of sell the company. I started to worry about my job and if I would still have one. turns out the company she sold it to is not changing anything employee wise so that is nice now.
In October a friend of my family came to visit. We went out in high school and my sister has been trying to get us back together every since. The start of the weekend went really well and I thought things were headed in a good direction.When i decided to tell him i still had feeling for him. But i never got the change. Things fell apart. we had plans for Sunday and he cancelled and when i asked about lunch the next day he was a little vague and we never got to see each other before he left.
Then my migraines started up again with a vengeance. I was getting 4 to 5 a week and hid the fact from everyone. Greg (my boss) didn't notice anything wrong. I went to the doctor and he put me on some pills to help prevent. but it made the blood vessels in my brain expand and made my migraine even worse. So we tried the next one. At first i had death thought every night when i was a sleep. I had thoughts to write good bye notes to family and friends. I wrote out a letter explaining what my tattoo means. then they went away so i just thought it was a side effect to the drugs. but then a little over time things changed and i didn't really pick up on what was going on. at first it was little things. stress from work and how i felt there. I just though i was in need of a vacation . so i made plans with my sister and asked for the time off.
Here is where it got bad. over then next month things keep falling apart. I started to hate everything. At work i was so mad at Greg for picking the IT department over me (He took over IT Sept of last year.) before it was just the two us. What started it and I know this sounds like a petty thing to get all work up about. But He took Mike and the other IT guys out for lunch for his birthday with out a invite for me to go. K the one reason i was mad was because when we did something in accounting the IT guys come. but when it is IT i was left out. Now I know sometimes i won't be included like when the server goes down and then been there to six in the morning fixing it and where taken to lunch. I know i won't be invited and i don't want to be. I was not there at six and helping so I am okay with it. But for some reason the whole taking Mike out for his birthday and Then a week later they took Jake out for his last day and there was one more time a couple of weeks latter. I was not invited once.
Now I know because accounting has been just me and Greg. I know how bad that looks because he is married and i am not and all of that. But he had never done anything for my Birthday. Now here is what I can't figure out. I hate my birthday. i don't want to do anything for my birthday at work and Greg knows that. So why was getting mad about Greg doing something for someone else.
then I started to feel like i could just walk out at work and no one will notice. No one cared about the girl in the corner. I stopped talking to almost everyone. I used to go to Greg almost everyday and say good morning and good night when i left. I stopped doing that. I took everything home that was on my desk. No on said a word. All i got out of Greg was a email saying i was quite he didn't hear me leave. as time went on more and more things keep going wrong. I keep thinking if i could just make it to my vacation i would be okay.
But things just keep getting worse. I found out a friend of mine was talking to management about me. and I could not say anything because i was not in the meeting and i am not supposed to know what was said. I asked Caryn to talk to Terrill about it. She said she would. Then I had a problem with another employee and went to Terrill about it but I don't think anything was done about it. I keep feeling like i could not go to anyone with a problem because no one cared enough to help. I even felt like that from Greg.
Even at home i felt like i could talk to anyone. Megan had her own problems. I felt like i could not talk to my mom because every time i had i got replay's back that sounded like she didn't care. so I just keep thinking one more week until my vacation.
That week was bad. I had to go to the post office for work and the clerk was mad because a client was putting the wrong PO Box and they were going to stop put mail in the box if we didn't fix it. I know this had nothing to do with me but i don't like people being mad and i took it personally. I did tell Jon and we got it all worked out. then a person at work was complaining about how much she has to sign. This made me mad. I have to sign about 800 a day and she has 20. and i was already at a high stress point. that I called Caryn and asked her to put this lady on everything will i was gone. so she would appropriate that she only has to sign. I also asked Caryn about talking to Terrill about what this person said about me not wanting to sign. She said she didn't feel it was her place to say anything.I was mad. I felt i could not go to anyone at work at all. And about 10 minutes to 3 Mike the IT guy moved in Greg's office. This was the last straw for me. I don't want to move in there But i felt he was picking IT and I was being left out. so I got my stuff and left.
I went home and i could not get my mind off everything that was going wrong. about 2 hours later i knew i could not go to work on Monday and texted Greg if i could have Monday and Tuesday off beside the three other days i already had off. he called and asked if i just wanted to party more with my sister. I said "No, if one more bad things happens i am going to do something stupid. I am sure he didn't really know what i meant by that. he told me i could have Tuesday off but no Monday.
I called my mom to tell her and agreed i needed time off but if i was not careful i would lose my job. so then i started to worry about that.
That was a bad night. i just so depressed and had been crying most of the day. that at one point there was a knife on the bed. I didn't do anything but it was there. I just keep thinking if i can just make it through the night. I feel asleep around 3 and when i woke up around 10 i felt better, I missed taking my medication and i felt more like myself. and i realized i have not been myself since i started taking them. so i went to the pharmacist and talked to them. they took me off the medication and told me to call the doctor on Monday. I felt better the whole weekend. but things were still bother me. when i walk in to work on Monday i had to talk to Vickie (HR) about what prescriptions i was on. She thought this was a good thing. when i started to cry she and i went into Todd's office and i told her what was happening. I said i could not tell Greg what was going on.She said she would if I wanted her too. I said yes but do it after i left on vacation.
I got to Megan's and talked to her all weekend about it. I got a email from Vickie about what happened with Greg. She told me he was very surprised and had no idea i was feeling the way i was. He noticed i was stressed but that was it. She said if i could have seen his face.
I got texts from him all week about how it was going with out me there. I think if Greg knew how bad it was he would have given me the whole week.
When i got back from my vacation i had meeting with Greg and we have been working on things to make it better for me. but when i still felt like things were not getting better emotional I went to see a therapist. I put it off fro a long time because i didn't want to talk about it. But when you go to your bosses house because you don't want to be alone i knew i had to get help. I have been going for 2 months now and feel better.
I had one very bad night but overall things are getting better. I will write more about the very bad night later. but i need to get somethings done today. But this is a start. i will probably add on to what i already said in other post to clearafy or get something out of my head but this is a start. .
